Is the ‘Dick Pic’ the new Pick-Up Line’?

Look, I’m not proud to admit this, but for some reason a large percentage of the guys of my generation have decided that in order to bed the lady of their choice; they no longer have to buy her a drink, make flirty conversation or think of a pick-up line that actually works.

No.

These days, guys in their 20s simply take their handy-dandy Smart Phone, snap a quick pic of their genitals, and send it to the women they are hoping to woo.

I was quite the party girl back in the day. I went out – all the time. I was not promiscuous but I was and always will be a friendly girl. I made conversation with a lot of people, including people of the male persuasion. Since I've never been very good at saying ‘no’ (and that’s another post for another day), if any of these people ever asked me for my phone number I would give it to them. Even if I had no intention of ever speaking to them again – and let’s be honest, that was the case 98% of the time.

I actually shudder to think how many random people have my phone number. It would surely be in the triple digits. I should probably really consider changing it…

With my number floating around in so many stranger’s phones, about 2 times a year I will be suckered into a conversation that goes a little something like this.

We pause in this riveting conversation so that this charming gentleman can send me 2 photos of his face and 1 photo of an incredibly large penis, which he claims is his own.
(I'm quite positive his real name is NOT 'Jimmy James' so I felt no need to black that out, but hey, Jimmy, if you read this and you feel your privacy has been breached let me know.) 

As amusing as this was, it's hard not to be a teeny, tiny bit insulted on behalf of all females. Do guys really think this will work? Does this actually work?

Are you a guy who has sent a picture of their penis to a virtual stranger and gotten laid as a result?

Are you a girl who has received a picture and taken up the offer?

If so I NEED to hear from you. I eagerly await your response.

Living with Awkward Turtle Syndrome

I can’t tell if I suffer from Awkward Turtle Syndrome around men, or if men suffer from it around me, but something is seriously wrong with the way I interact with males within the first 30 seconds of seeing them.

I really need your help interwebs. How on earth does a female greet a male of non-romantic interest? What is appropriate?

I’m not a huge fan of physical contact with the general population in the first place, so when it comes to greeting somebody I  instantly get performance anxiety. What do I do? Besides running away crying…

Handshakes seem strictly masculine, which I hate. I can handshake just as well as the next person, but guys always tend to feel weird shaking a girls hand, so whenever I attempt it, I'm left feeling like this guy.

I've always liked the idea of being one of those girls who do the 'double air kiss' greeting. It's so very European. Unfortunately, being the overly enthusiastic person I am, it always (and I mean always) ends up looking like this. Actually this is kind of what it looks like when I say hello to Boyfriend too...

Or, even worse - I make accidental lip contact, which has happened more than once. 

You could of course, go for the hug, but unless you are sure the other person is a hugger, you will probably end up with a scenario similar to this.

So at present, my greeting is what I like to call, The Awkward Turtle Wave.

Unfortunately The Awkward Turtle Wave, while helping me avoid even more awkward scenarios, makes me look like a standoffish biatch.

So please, HALP! interwebs. How do you greet members of the opposite sex without making a total fool of yourself? Is it even possible? I need your advice, before I accidentally head butt someone while attempting to hug it out.

Sexy For Less Than Sixty - The One Where I Went To Groovin’

You know what I love the most about music festivals? The fact that for a whole day you can dress like a complete hobo and pass it off as a fashion statement.

This is a fact that I will be forever grateful for because stupid (smart) me spent most (all) of my paycheck on a new wallet from Kate Hill instead of investing in a new festival outfit, and I had to try and make do with what I already owned. Life is tough, I know.

Thank god for Pinterest.

All I had to do was search ‘Festival Outfits’ choose the girl who looked the most glamorously homeless, and match it as closely as I could with things I could find in my floordrobe.

The outfit I chose to emulate:

And this is what I wore:

Pants: $10 from Big W

Shoes: $9.95 from Big W

Black Shirt: $5 from Kmart

Fluro singlet: $12 by Bonds

Sunglasses: Can’t remember but I never spend more than $20 on sunnies. Ever. 

TOTAL COST: Approximately $56.95

Now I can hear what you are thinking ‘ahhh, she buys almost all her clothes from the bargain bin at Big W, now I understand why she always looks like a filthy whore-bag’. TRUE. I do do this, I don’t know why, but I honestly wear the stuff I buy on a whim for $5 more than I wear the stuff I scrimp and save for and put a lot of thought into it. I don’t know why, I just do. The moral of the story is it is better to by 10 items at $5 than 1 item at $50. That’s a free life lesson for you.

But never fear, you don’t have to ruin your mani digging through piles of clothes in your local op-shop for your next festival find, because I scoured the internet and you can buy crap like this from the privacy of your own home!

Vero Moda Graffic Print Legging

$19.13

SPLATWAY sunglasses in pink. 

$16.00

Aere Athletics Oversized Trapeze Top

$14.98

Japan Sweet PU Pointed Closed Toe Lace Embellished GreenFlats

$12.49

And since you’ve been SO frugal why not splurge on:

Baby Lips Pink GLOW by Maybelline 

$3.39

Which is far and away  the best and cheapest beauty product that I have impulse purchased in years.

Total outfit: $50.52

You should still have enough left over from your $60 for a brewski while you dance to Last Dinosaurs like the care-free hippie freak that you are.

Aloha! 

The Post Where I Come Back

Once upon a time I was under some deluded illusion that I could become a famous blogger.
Whilst under the influence of this delusion I was read a lot of blogging 'tips'.

One particular tip suggested that you should NEVER make a post apologising for a long blogging absence.

To that guy I say:

Fuck you. I'll do what I want. 

So I profusely apologise to all the spam bots who read my blog. This absence has been redonk and I have nothing to blame except pure laziness. Please accept this recap of the last 3 months as an apology. . 

Do we have too much information?

Last month I was preparing for a party at my house. A part of this preparation was cleaning up after my dog so that people could navigate the backyard without feeling like they were tiptoeing through a smelly minefield.

While doing this I picked up a dropping that contained some white, wriggly creatures.

Sorry - I should have mentioned that this post is not suitable to read while eating.

Being the concerned pet owner that I am, I immediately I went running for my smart phone to Google ‘maggots in dog poo’. I feared the worst for my puppy’s digestive tract.

Despite what it may seem, the moral of this post is not to disgust you with the specifics of my dog’s bowel movements.  This post is to point out the fact that not for one second, did I think I could not find the answer to my problem on Google. I never doubted that there were others who had had this issue, and had posted about it on the internet.

I was right not to think twice. Within seconds I had more information than I needed on all kinds of things you can find inside of dog poop, and more importantly, why those things might be in there.

Now I don’t want to leave you hanging – my dog is fine. Turns out it had just been a bit too long between backyard tidy ups and the unwanted white visitors had actually arrived after their new home had left my dog.

It wasn't until my boyfriend was looking over my shoulder while I was doing another google search, and read my search history, that I realised what I had Googled was weird. Really weird.

Where does too much information start, and need-to-know information end? The fact that we can Google literally everything seems like a blessing, but is it really?

Would it have been better to take my dog to the vet than go to Google? Should we ask a doctor about that suspicious looking mole before we Ask Jeeves?

Could I have made it this far in life without knowing what a blue waffle was? Who Tub Girl is? How many cups 2 girls need? The answer is yes, and yet I do know all of these things, thanks (or no thanks?)  to the internet.

The truth is, I spend more time on the internet reading things which result in me acting like this:

than I do doing anything productive, which leads me to wonder if perhaps, just maybe, we have too much information.

On that note, I'd love to know, what is the weirdest thing you have ever found yourself googling? More importantly... did you find your answer? Of course you did. Everything is on the internet. 

Random Acts Of Kindness

I was avoiding sleep and trawling my favourite news site I stumbled across this little piece:

A MAN who apparently summoned the courage to rob a Montana pizza restaurant changed his mind as the clerk started to hand him money, broke down crying and ended up leaving with a pizza to feed his hungry family.Helena Police Chief Troy McGee says just after midnight Monday, a man wearing a hooded sweatshirt and a bandanna on his face entered a Papa John's restaurant and handed the clerk a note demanding money.
The cashier started to comply, but then the man started crying and said he was just trying to provide for his family.
The clerk offered to make a pizza and some chicken wings. The man waited while the food was cooked, then left on foot.
A Papa John's manager declined to comment

In a world where we are known to text message people who are in the same room as us, this little slice of human compassion and connection really brightened my night.

On that note I challenge everybody to tell me a time they have participated in a random act of kindness.

Sexy For Less Than Sixty

I love fashion, but I am also a cheap bastard.

As much as I love stalking fashion blogs I can't really start my own because I refuse to buy designer items. I wish I could justify spending hundreds of dollars on one item of clothing, but like the majority of the population, I cannot.

Therefore I hereby introduce a new segment called SEXY FOR LESS THAN SIXTY. Super cute outfits that you can buy for LESS THAN SIXTY DOLLARS!

I am only going to post outfits that I actually own, or that are very very close to outfits I own, and give reviews where appropriate.

Welcome to the pilot episode - the Summer Casual instalment.

Yumi Poodle Dress $34.00AUD

White Cross Body Bag $9.96

Black Cat Eye Sunglasses $9.96

The grand total? $53.92. BARGAIN!

I own that exact poodle dress and it is VERY cute and if you have a petite build such as myself, extremely flattering. That said the material is very thin and snags easily so be careful!

This is really my new favourite outfit for summertime day dates with Boyfriend. 

Dumplings and Slurpees FTW 

Why being an atheist is not the same as being a devil worshipper, and making eye contact with me will not send you straight to hell.

With Christmas now over I feel the need to write a post about religion. As we all know, Christmas is the celebration of the day Santa artificially inseminated the Virgin Mary and Jebus was born.

At least that is what I have been led to believe.

This is a perfectly fine thing to believe if that floats your boat. I don’t mind what people believe in (well… except Scientologists… I mean, REALLY PEOPLE? Really??)

Personally I am an atheist. Recently it has come to my attention that some people are confused by the definition of the term atheist.



While I can understand how one would come to this conclusion*, I do not worship Satan.

In actuality, the very fact that I do not recognise a God also means that I do not recognise a devil or ‘Satan’ as you like to call him. This also means that you do not have to pray for me, attempt to ‘save' me or describe to me what I will miss out on in Heaven. I also don’t believe in that.

So to clarify, I do NOT believe in the following:

God (or any variation)
Satan (or any variation)
Heaven
Hell
Reincarnation

Despite this, making eye contact with me or any other atheists will not send you straight to hell

I believe that once you die you get buried in the ground and eaten by bugs, but I'm an optimist when it comes to things like that.

*Statement may be false. I do not actually understand the stupidity of 99.9% of the human race.

13 Non-Resolutions in 2013

This year I am not making any resolutions.

Resolutions are unrealistic. They paint a picture of the perfect life we want to lead. They manage to distract us from the fact that even though the date has changed, we're actually still just as messy, unorganised and flaky as we were yesterday.

Don't get me wrong- New Years Eve is, and probably always will be, one of my favourite nights of the year. I just no longer choose to believe that the clock ticking over to midnight also equals a clean slate. Trust me, when I woke up on the first my sink was still filled with 2012's dirty dishes, my ass still clung desperately to 2012's Xmas weight-gain, and 2013 most certainly hadn't tried to make a dent in my laundry pile.

Last year my resolutions were as follows:

- Wear matching underwear every single day. FAILED
- NEVER EVER skip my night-time teeth brushing even when I'm super tired or drunk. FAILED
- Only turn down social invites for legitimate reasons to avoid a hermit-like existence. FAILED.

This year I've just made a list of shit I HOPE to happen. That said, I'm not going to promise any of these things to myself. I'm not going to make any grand plans on how to achieve them. I'm just going to let the universe do it's thing. This way when you're crying into your champers on NYE 2013 because you never did manage to shift those pesky last 5kgs, I will be celebrating guilt free baby!

So without further ado, here is my list. I would be ecstatic if even one of these things managed to eventuate over the course of 2013, but if they don't, well... meh.

1. Get something published on MAMAMIA
Perhaps my loftiest non-resolution for several reason. Firstly I am not actually a writer as is blatantly obvious in my style. Secondly - MAMAMIA is for girls who actually studied journalism and know how to use a semi-colon correctly. A girl can dream.

Maybe Mia Freedman will stumble across this blog and find it oh-so-hiliarous and decide she just MUST have me contriute.. If that's the case - hello Mia darling! Welcome to my corner of the internet, make yourself at home.

2. Enter a figure competition
Just because I would like to have a goal that means I end up looking like this in a bikini:



3. Stop biting my nails
I turn 24 this year. I'm probably too old to still be feasting on my cuticles.

4. Get promoted
Unlikely since I am new to my job, but you never know.

5. Sell an artwork
I don't really do enough art any more to see how this would eventuate, but hey, it's not up to me, it's up to the universe. 

On a completely unrelated note.. anybody want to buy this?

Name your price!

6. Make 1 new CLOSE friend
I have the best friends in the world, I really do, but it would be nice to have a girlfriend to do girly things with on a whim.

7. Start saving for a house deposit
Then I might actually start to feel like an adult.

8. Invent a kick-ass soup recipe
I love soup. I mean I REALLY love soup. I want to invent a 'secret recipe' that I can pass down through my family. I want to be THAT grandma.

9. NOT get a sunburn - not even once
Skin cancer is not for cool kids.

10. Crochet a blanket
Really guys. I actually am on a quest to end up the worlds most excellent grandmother.

11. Learn to crochet

12. Find a fake tan that doesn't make me orange
It would be really lovely to spend 1 Summer somewhere in the MIDDLE of being as white as Michael Jackson, and as orange as an Oompa-Loompa.

13. NOT obsess over my weight
This would be a miracle. Not a day goes by where I don't analyse my weight or what I'm putting in my mouth - but perhaps if any of my other non-resolutions eventuate I will be too distracted to worry about some extra dimples on my ass!


Tell me some of your non-resolutions.