Living with Awkward Turtle Syndrome

I can’t tell if I suffer from Awkward Turtle Syndrome around men, or if men suffer from it around me, but something is seriously wrong with the way I interact with males within the first 30 seconds of seeing them.

I really need your help interwebs. How on earth does a female greet a male of non-romantic interest? What is appropriate?

I’m not a huge fan of physical contact with the general population in the first place, so when it comes to greeting somebody I  instantly get performance anxiety. What do I do? Besides running away crying…

Handshakes seem strictly masculine, which I hate. I can handshake just as well as the next person, but guys always tend to feel weird shaking a girls hand, so whenever I attempt it, I'm left feeling like this guy.

I've always liked the idea of being one of those girls who do the 'double air kiss' greeting. It's so very European. Unfortunately, being the overly enthusiastic person I am, it always (and I mean always) ends up looking like this. Actually this is kind of what it looks like when I say hello to Boyfriend too...

Or, even worse - I make accidental lip contact, which has happened more than once. 

You could of course, go for the hug, but unless you are sure the other person is a hugger, you will probably end up with a scenario similar to this.

So at present, my greeting is what I like to call, The Awkward Turtle Wave.

Unfortunately The Awkward Turtle Wave, while helping me avoid even more awkward scenarios, makes me look like a standoffish biatch.

So please, HALP! interwebs. How do you greet members of the opposite sex without making a total fool of yourself? Is it even possible? I need your advice, before I accidentally head butt someone while attempting to hug it out.