THROWBACK: Flail Foodie

I never have, nor probably, will I ever, possess any kind of talent, wisdom or intuition when it comes to the kitchen. For a long time, it was always just the room with the microwave in it. The problem with this is, I'm obsessed with food. I love to go out to eat, I like to read recipes, I collect cook books and I seriously enjoy sugary treats.

Since starting a new healthy lifestyle several months ago I'm constantly on the look-out for healthy recipes. Following a recipe I can do, but I can almost never help myself, I just MUST attempt to make it even healthier by using my own variations -this sometimes results in a smashing success. Unfortunately however, it more often than not results in epic failure. In short, I flail when it comes to the kitchen, managing just enough successes to ensure I occasionally get a decent meal.

For anyone on Pinterest (and god, how I wish I had not discovered that life sucking internet black hole of doom), there is a fair chance that you will have come across this recipe:

Cauliflower Crust Pizza

Looks like a genius idea, especially for the calorie conscious such as myself. Well... kind of. The idea to me seemed excellent in theory, but look at all that cheese the recipe called for!

A CUP OF MOZZARELLA CHEESE? DO YOU PEOPLE KNOW HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN A CUP OF CUP OF MOZZARELLA CHEESE? (461 just for your information, 432 if you use reduced fat).

That's a lot of calories when you consider that your average entire meal should be around 300-400 calories.

Nope, I wouldn't have a bar of that. I could practically feel my ass growing at the mere thought of consuming that much cheese in one sitting. Nope, nope, no, nonono, hell naww.

This is where my genius comes in. Mozzarella cheese might be the enemy in my quest for eternal youth (or at least an ass that doesn't start to sag until well into my 50s), but I do eat cottage cheese like it's going out of fashion. Surely I could just use that instead?

Here is the result.

Flail Cauliflower Crust - 325 calories (including toppings)

What you will need:

1 x Cup - Cauliflower (riced)
0.5 Cup - Cottage Cheese (reduced fat)

1 x Egg

Garlic
Garlic Salt
Oregano

Various Toppings

METHOD

Pre-heat your oven to 230C

Rice the cauliflower. To do this you simply put the raw cauliflower into a food processor and give it a few pulses until it's grain like in texture. You don't want to over process it or it will turn to mush. I found half a head of cauliflower created about 2 cups of riced cauliflower.

Place the riced cauliflower into a microwave proof dish, cover with gladwrap and 'nuke it for 8

minutes. Don't add any water. The cauliflower has more than enough moisture in it to cook itself.

Combine the cauliflower, egg, cottage cheese, garlic, garlic salt and oregano (I also added hot chilli because every food should be spicy in my opinion).

Place mixture on a baking tray.

DO NOT USE BAKING PAPER LIKE I HAVE here. If you do, when you get to the 'grill' step you may set it on fire by accident. I may or may not know this from personal experience.

Use your hands to pat out the mixture into a circle, creating a crust like edge around the outside.

Place in the oven for about 20 minutes, it should be starting to brown.

Remove from the oven and put on your toppings. I used tomato paste, rocket, anchovies, cherry tomatoes, olives and mushrooms. Please note that if you want to use ingredients like mushrooms that need to be cooked through, you will need to pre-cook them before they go on the pizza.

Place under the grill.

This is the point in my story where the baking paper set on fire. Luckily I managed to put it out quick smart and salvage the base. I transferred it to an unlined tray for the next part.

Grill for 4-5 minutes or until toppings are hot.

I left mine in a little too long and it went a bit crispier and blacker than I would like... but here is the final result:

When it comes to the taste test, I'm pleased to say that this was actually AMAZING! The fact that it was overcooked a bit didn't take anything away from the flavours.

This isn't like a traditional pizza base that you can slice and eat with your hands. You do need to eat it with a knife and fork, but it certainly is tasty. I have however heard similar reviews about the original recipe so it's hard to say if this is a direct result of my cottage cheese substitution.

Would I make this again? Yep! I would just avoid over cooking it next time. A great guilt free way to get that pizza taste.

Flail rating - 5/10
Definitely tasty and edible, just nothing like an actual pizza crust, and slightly overcooked (my bad). I would say this recipe was exactly HALF a success!