Friday, November 16, 2012

5 things I will never do when I have kids

I have a confession to make. I'm a mummy-blog whore. I love reading blogs by mums, especially the humorous ones.

Frequently stalked blogs include:
Crappy Pictures
Good Golly Miss Holly
And a new addition to my stalk list:
Shit I Don't Tell Most People
(DISCLAIMER: None of these bloggers asked me to link their blogs, not that they would need to since they have thousands of followers and I have 1 - but I love my one follower! Actually one of those bloggers IS said follower.)

Please don’t ask me why this is my preferred blog genre. I swear I've TRIED to prefer beauty and fashion blogs but they bore me. I've trawled cooking blogs and all they did was make me hungry. I’d call myself a wannabe mummy blogger except I'm not really at the stage of my life where I have a burning desire to push out kids. That said, I would like them one day.

Despite this, I often feel the need to write posts about motherhood even though, well, I don’t have anything to say. So today I took a glimpse into the future and decided 5 things I will never, ever do when I have children.

1 - Not use drugs (when giving birth, obviously).

If I have to push something that big out of a place that small I am getting all the drugs they have. I might even bring some of my own from home just to be safe.

2 - Put a BABY ON BOARD sticker on my car.

Everyone else in the world judges people who have a BABY ON BOARD sticker on their car. I know this is true because I judge people with BABY ON BOARD stickers on their car – and don’t even bother spouting to me some crap about how it’s a ‘safety precaution’ and if you’re in a crash the paramedics will know to look for the baby and blablabla. No. Just no. I think the car seat and the screaming baby will probably give that away. I don’t drive any more carefully around cars that have these stickers on them so that’s not an excuse either. If you have one, take it off your car and punch yourself in the face right now.

3 - Put ‘My Family’ Stickers on my car.

Still with the stickers on cars trend (apparently pro-creation gives people the burning desire to announce the fact that they have spawn all over their vehicles), I will never put any of those ‘My Family’ stickers on my car. Nobody cares how many family members you have and they don’t want to have to be faced with your stupid stick figure representation of them when they are stuck behind you in traffic. I hereby give everyone in the world permission to ram the back of cars with ‘My Family’ stickers on them. Unless it’s this one - this one is actually pretty funny…
A glimpse into my future
4 - Name my kid a perfectly normal name and give it a ridiculous, made-up spelling.

This was further cemented today when I was at work and met a Jakeob. As someone with a relatively uncommon spelling (in Australia) for a pretty ‘normal’ name (my birth name is Jaclyn) I already face enough issues with the spelling and pronunciation. If I can’t even get through a day without someone calling me Jocelyn, how is poor Jaeysin (Jason) supposed to get through life?

5 - Listen to kiddy-band CDs

My car sing-alongs included Queen, James Taylor and The Motels and I turned out just fine. I knew all the words to Bohemian Rhapsody before I was 5. There is no way in hell I will put up with tantrums, vomiting and sleepless nights and THEN pile The Wiggles on repeat on top of that – be kind to yourself mummy’s – smash the kiddy CDs and listen to what YOU like. Your kids will thank you for it when they’re older.

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