Monday, October 15, 2012

THROWBACK: Why America is just as deadly as Australia.

I recently spent a year living in Florida and these are some real life questions I was asked by United States citizens during my time there:

“What does it feel like to come to a country where people wear shoes?”

“Were you amazed when you came here and saw electricity for the first time?”

“Why are you at war with New Zealand? You guys should stop bombing them, that’s so mean, they are a peaceful country.”

“OH MY GOD! HOW AREN'T YOU DEAD!? YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY BE DEAD BY NOW! AUSTRALIA IS SO DANGEROUS! WHY HASN’T A SNAKE/SPIDER/DROP BEAR/CROCODILE KILLED YOU YET!? IT’S A MIRACLE THAT YOU HAVE LIVED TO SEE YOUR TWENTIES! AUSTRALIA IS SOOOOOO DANGEROUS!”


The thing that the USA fails to realise is that they have JUST as many deadly animals as we do, maybe even more, they just aren't as cute. Let’s compare:

The main animal that they seemed to freak out so much about was crocodiles, and yet I was in Florida, where their football team is called the GATORS, because Florida has a lot of ALLIGATORS. Now I realise that crocodiles are generally considered more dangerous than alligators, but let’s be honest with ourselves, they are basically the same thing, and at least crocodiles don’t chill on the sides of the roads in major cities like alligators do in Florida.


Snakes and spiders were another one that got mentioned a lot, and I cannot deny that we have many many species of deadly snakes and spiders, but let’s think about this for a minute. The average human being is several times larger than any snake or spider that exists in Australia, however... America has bears.


Sharks are also a major concern to the average American tourist, yet you are 50 trillion times more likely to freeze to death in a blizzard or suffocate under a collapsed snowman in America than you are to be attacked by a shark in Australia*.

When we view the facts in a logical format such as this, it becomes obvious that when it comes to the country you are most likely to die a horrible painful death in, I think we’re pretty well tied.


So we’re all fucked and our best bet is probably to move to New Zealand, where there are no deadly animals, and all you have to worry about it the odd air raid by Australia.


*All blog statistics provided by the wonderful people at ’Convenient Statistics For You Weekly’.

4 comments:

  1. You are fucking hilarious!
    Having lived in both countries, I gotta say, it's a close tie. We definitely have scarier people here, I'll admit.
    However, once while planting something in the garden, my Ozzie neighbor came up to the short, chain-link fence to warn me about the soil. YES, the F-ing SOIL! He had nearly lost his thumb to an infection caused by the dirt in his garden.
    So in conclusion, Australia not only has lots of critters that can kill you, the actual continent itself wants you dead.
    Here in America it's just the Republican party that wants to kill all the other Americans.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you Girl Name Sue for tweeting this blog. HILARIOUS! I've never been to the other side of the world, but I've been obsessed with the idea of going to Australia since I saw "The Man from Snowy River" in 1982. I even fell down the stairs trying to recreate the scene where he rides straight down the mountain. (Give me a break, I was 8)

    You totally have to join us for Theme Thursday!
    http://cloudywithachanceofwine.com/1397-2/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Man From Snowy River is cool! There is no need to be ashamed of that!

      Theme Thursday! How cool! However I don't think I would have much to cintribute, I don't have kids. Unless greyhounds count, but I'm assuming they don't.

      I'm just a weirdo who loves mommy-blogs therefore stalks them. Seriously LOVES them. Overly attached girlfriend style.

      Delete
  3. Dude. Im a veterinary nurse and I own a Staffy- of course dogs count as kids- in fact, I would argue they're way better.
    Check out the theme Thursday topic whenever you have a break from avoiding sharks, snakes, seashells and soil that wants to kill you. Sometimes topics are not about parenthood and I usually find a way to make them about sex or drinking too much. Or both.
    Cheers!

    ReplyDelete